…My fingers are not bloody this time. It’s great, for I’m about to throw that needle at my sewing machine that stopped working. Talking about bad timing.
I’m almost finished altering magnificent dark dress – all mine.
I was browsing online stores for a month, at first lazily, and later frantically – for that one dress that would speak to me, and speak about me.
I’ll be soon having portrait session of my own. I’ll be photographed by my guru, mentor, and inspiration.
Self-centered? Time-wasting? Why???
Seriously why would a woman want a portrait session? Why would she want to go through applying make-up, doing hair, and wearing a dress that is not at all practical? It is a day that could have been spent hair-in-a-ponytail, comfy jeans doing the daily routine.
That’s why – for me:
I want to befriend a woman I am today. I want to have a portrait that tells a story of who I am now. I want a portrait I can look at when I’m 50 to anchor and ground me.
And it is not about appearance. I want to see raw and beautiful. I want a portrait of my soul. And she, my mentor, is the woman who can do the job. For she sees the world with a similar perspective. (And when you find a photographer whose vision aligns with yours, don’t wait to book your session).
I’ve been many faces: gloomy teenager, don’t-give-a-crap student, wide-eyed newlywed, woman in love throwing all the rules and common sense away, anxious happy and overspent mother, dead-serious professional chasing degrees… They all defined who I am today. I don’t remember how they all look (gloomy teenager had about one portrait done, and it shows only guarded look and pimple on a cheek).
I’d like to see them all.
Self-centered you say? Small yes and big no.
For the love to the world starts with self. For without healthy self-esteem one is wounded and passes the wound to her kids. Especially daughters.
Portrait session is a spiritual practice. It is slowing down, getting grounded, and reflecting. It is self-acceptance and, sometimes, self-discovery.
Everyone deserves love. It starts with love to oneself, treating self as a best friend, respecting and accepting. When there is more love, there is less fear. When there is no fear, you genuinely smile. And the world is beautiful in your eyes.
This is what I would want for my daughter. I want her to celebrate who she is now. Every day. I want her to look at herself in a mirror and smile lovingly.
I myself is not there yet. I am a work in progress. For if I won’t do the work, how would it echo in my daughter?
So here I am, preparing for my portrait session. One step at a time.
Am I anxious? Hell yes.
Would it stop me? Hell no.